Holiday memories and heavy hearts....

This time of year for most is filled with chaos, joy, excitement and traditions. Decorating the tree, holiday shopping, social celebrations and lots of delicious food. We find ourselves so busy that its hard at times to slow down enough to appreciate the gifts we already have. Unfortunately this is a time when we also forget to think about those that during the holidays are filled with anxiety, lose, grief and sadness. I know for my family the holidays are especially tough considering the loss of my father in law nineteen months ago.

There isn't a day that doesn't pass when thoughts of him fill our minds, memories of him bring rumbles of laughter and traditions he set forth are maintained. When I received that unfortunate call one Sunday morning in May, it forever changed my world. I was not prepared for the devastation, loss and hurt that would follow and I could not fathom that the man I called Dad for the last seventeen years was gone. I see him daily in my husband...the facial expressions, the jokes, the way he loves his kids and the joy at which he embraces life. I see him daily in my children... their desire to learn, their inquisitive nature, their obsession for U of M and their love for their Grandmother. This man accepted me as his daughter, taught me respect, unconditional love, appreciation, honesty and how to embrace a love for sausage and sauerkraut that I still consume in his honor!!

I wasn't prepared for him to leave and wake up daily wishing it were all a dream. His death has taught me to appreciate every relationship I have, never take one second for granted and always be sure to express my love for someone because I just never know when God will call them home. It took my children months to emotionally deal with the fact that their "Papa" had gone home to heaven and they still have moments when it hits them like a ton of bricks. Brian had lost his "Buddy", his entire world came crashing down and he had to build himself back up one piece of faith at a time.

As we move into the holiday season, we celebrate, laugh and enjoy the excitement that Christmas brings. However, we make sure to slow down enough for us to appreciate all the things we have been given. We make time for those less fortunate, we embrace the true meaning of Christmas, the blessings God has given us and we reach out to those we love holding them a bit closer. This time of year for us means sharing stories of Dad... Cooking up a pot of sausage and sauerkraut, sitting down to watch some football (and yelling at the TV just a bit louder), talking about why all of the cords in his house have electrical tape on them, stirring up some good ol' fish tales about his days on the lake and sharing stories of how he loved us unconditionally!




This morning I am fortunate enough to write this as I sit in his favorite blue reclining chair. His laughter still fills this room and his presence remains everywhere. I am so grateful for a husband who has grown to be just like his father and for children that have been shaped into spectacular human beings because of his love. I am especially grateful that I was able to love him as much as he loved me for more then half of my life.

Scribbling my words....

Writing for me started at a young age. As a teenager I kept a diary and would scribble my every thought in that journal. By the time I graduated high school I had four journals that reflected my middle and high school years. Even now as an adult I enjoy looking back on those journals. I'm reminded in detail of the roller coaster ride that it was to be a teenager and young adult. I have always wanted to turn my stories of hurt, anger, love, defeat, forgiveness and addiction into a book or blog. However, I struggled that I wasn't adequate enough or capable of putting into words properly what I had gone through and how it had shaped me. 

What I didn't know is that God was leading me towards friendships that would ultimately be responsible for pushing me to share my stories. My journey to Christ and my desire to learn to appreciate myself again had me relying on strangers for comfort, support and guidance. This was something I have never been good at. I had taught myself that I didn't need anyone and that I could camouflage my pain through addiction and numbing relationships. It was those relationships that God has connected me with as an adult that would ultimately end up changing my life. I craved the kind of life these "new" friends had and I longed for that same sparkle they so proudly displayed. It took several years but I found my way to God, created an obedient relationship with him, built stable friendships centered around my faith and begin to forgive.... 

It was these new found friendships that encouraged me to share my stories. They supported my passion to write and continue to remind me daily that my words in fact are healing and motivating if to no one else at least they are to them. I have learned to TRUST GOD enough to share his journey for me with others. By doing so my hope is that others will begin to develop a relationship with God and learn to trust him. Trust in a God that never leaves us, never fails us and is never less than perfect. Like everyone else I have struggles, challenges and doubts. However, one thing I can always count on is a God that is full of love, hope and grace. 

Today I sit....

As I sit at my usual table in the corner of my church cafe, drinking my usual cup of tea, eating my usual cup of soup I cannot help but feel grateful. I finally feel as though I am doing exactly what I  am suppose to be doing with my life. Is it possible that I have finally found my purpose? I have worked extremely hard for the things I have, fought my way through the darkest times of my life, found my faith, managed to raise two amazing children and have been married for the last fourteen years to the most fabulous man. So How could I not be grateful? God has given me strengths that I exercise on a daily basis.... To live my life with kindness, helping others to succeed and doing all I can to bless those around me. I don't get self fulfillment for these things... No it doesn't go to me!! I owe all the praise and glory to God. He is the only one that has continually had faith in me at times when no one else did. He has stirred my darkest emotions and set me on a path to learn from every mistake I made. Those times when I hit my darkest moments in life were in fact the moments when God was birthing my love for him. So today as I sit here feeling thankful, I thank God for what he has given me and for the wisdom to see what he has set before me. Perhaps my contentment comes from not thinking "what am I suppose to do" but instead trusting that I am doing exactly what God has intended for me all along....